June 18, 2017: I scream, you scream, we all scream.

For Father’s Day we grilled at my parents’ house and we brought chicken and some pineapples to grill. We have a fancy pineapple corer that leaves an empty pineapple husk when you get done.

Lucy: Here you go!

Me: Ooh, yum, thanks! (Proceeds to drink the pineapple juice from the husk.)

Lucy: We should get some ceramic wrap for the inside of that.

Me: What? Why?

Lucy: So you could drink whatever you wanted out of it.

Me: Why would you need Saran Wrap though?

Lucy: So it doesn’t taste like pineapple.

Me: But… that’s kind of the point?

Lucy: Well I don’t know!  Last time we had this you said, “This just screeeams for alcohol.”



June 17, 2017: That musical fruit

Me:  Lucy, will you go get a big spoon for the black beans?

Lucy: Sure!  (Brings back the world’s smallest spoon.  It might have been a baby spoon.  Or a spoon for ants.)

Me: Wow, that is the smallest big spoon I’ve ever seen.

Lucy:  (Uncomprehending stare)

Me:  I asked you to get a big spoon.

Lucy:  (Uncomprehending stare)

Joel: (Trying to put beans on his nachos) Oh, man!  This is going to take forever!

Lucy:  Well, maybe you don’t need that many beans, Dada.

May 26, 2017: That’s probably it.

(Joel and Rowan are driving down the street and go past the O’ Riley’s Auto Parts store, where a police car is parked in the parking lot.)

Joel:  Woah, Rowan, what do you think that police man is doing at the auto parts store?

Rowan:  I don’t know.  Maybe buying new light bulbs for his wee-oooh.

May 12, 2017: My brain ate an awkward taco

Lucy watched the puberty video at school. 


(This is the short version of this conversation.  You’re welcome.)

Me: So, how was the video?  Did you learn anything?

Lucy:  I guess.  Except my brain ate an awkward taco.

Me:  Yeah, I get that.  What did they talk about?

Lucy:  Well, the nurse came in to introduce the video and she pretty much told us what puberty was, so it was like we didn’t even need to watch the video after that.

Me:  Did you have any questions?

Lucy:  Well, I had a question, but I figured it wasn’t anything we were going to cover in the video.  Or ever.  So I didn’t ask.

Me:  Do you want to ask me?

Lucy:  Well… we were talking about ovaries?  And how the ovary releases an egg, which can get fertilized? I just wondered… At what age would it be appropriate to have an egg fertilized?

(Oh, Lucy.  You’re too smart for your own good.  And the answer is, “As soon as you don’t feel like sleeping through the night ever again.”)

March 10, 2017: For no raisin.

So, I think I came in on the middle of this conversation because I have no idea what led up to it.

Rowan:  For no reason!  For no reason!  For no REEEEAAASON!  For no reeaaaiiison!  For no raaaiison! For no RAISIN!  FOR NO RAISIN!

Joel:  Why are you saying it like that?

Lucy: (NOT amused)  For no raisin.  Obviously.


Fast forward a week. 


Me: Rowan, take your plate to the sink if you’re done.

Rowan: I can’t!  I’m a old man!  Uuuuuugggghhhhhh!!!

(Proceeds to stagger around as if his arms don’t work and his legs only just.)

Me:  (trying not to laugh)  I’m not sure which old man you’re emulating, but all the ones I know can take their plates to the sink.

Lucy: I can’t take my plate either!  I’m an ooold laaayyydeeee! (with some sort of weird southern accent?)

(Lots of staggering and groaning, no taking plates to the sink.)

(I am laughing.  Joel is not.)

Rowan:  Join us, Dada!  UUUUGHH I’M A OLD MAN!!

Lucy:  Uuuhhhhhhggghhh, I’m an ooooold ladyyyyy! (flops) (Still with a southern accent)

Me:  Yeah, Dada! (Old lady southern accent)  Join us!  But when ya get old!  Ya get from the south!  Fer no raisin!