Lucy watched the puberty video at school.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN.
(This is the short version of this conversation. You’re welcome.)
Me: So, how was the video? Did you learn anything?
Lucy: I guess. Except my brain ate an awkward taco.
Me: Yeah, I get that. What did they talk about?
Lucy: Well, the nurse came in to introduce the video and she pretty much told us what puberty was, so it was like we didn’t even need to watch the video after that.
Me: Did you have any questions?
Lucy: Well, I had a question, but I figured it wasn’t anything we were going to cover in the video. Or ever. So I didn’t ask.
Me: Do you want to ask me?
Lucy: Well… we were talking about ovaries? And how the ovary releases an egg, which can get fertilized? I just wondered… At what age would it be appropriate to have an egg fertilized?
(Oh, Lucy. You’re too smart for your own good. And the answer is, “As soon as you don’t feel like sleeping through the night ever again.”)
So, I think I came in on the middle of this conversation because I have no idea what led up to it.
Rowan: For no reason! For no reason! For no REEEEAAASON! For no reeaaaiiison! For no raaaiison! For no RAISIN! FOR NO RAISIN!
Joel: Why are you saying it like that?
Lucy: (NOT amused) For no raisin. Obviously.
Fast forward a week.
Me: Rowan, take your plate to the sink if you’re done.
Rowan: I can’t! I’m a old man! Uuuuuugggghhhhhh!!!
(Proceeds to stagger around as if his arms don’t work and his legs only just.)
Me: (trying not to laugh) I’m not sure which old man you’re emulating, but all the ones I know can take their plates to the sink.
Lucy: I can’t take my plate either! I’m an ooold laaayyydeeee! (with some sort of weird southern accent?)
(Lots of staggering and groaning, no taking plates to the sink.)
(I am laughing. Joel is not.)
Rowan: Join us, Dada! UUUUGHH I’M A OLD MAN!!
Lucy: Uuuhhhhhhggghhh, I’m an ooooold ladyyyyy! (flops) (Still with a southern accent)
Me: Yeah, Dada! (Old lady southern accent) Join us! But when ya get old! Ya get from the south! Fer no raisin!
Me: Uh oh, Lucy, looks like Pepper found your Barbie.
Lucy: Awwww! Dang it! She chewed her hand all up!
Me: Well, now, whose fault is that?
Lucy: Mine, but this was one of my favorites!
Me: I’m sorry that happened, kiddo. We have to make sure we keep our stuff picked up.
Lucy: (brightening) But hey! I could just pretend that she’s in the military and she got hurt and now she’s a wounded veteran!
Me: That’s a great idea!
Lucy: (whispers) She doesn’t like to talk about her hand though.
Lucy, my mom, and I went to A Novel Idea bookstore and Lucy got to pick out any three books she wanted. She selected a graphic novel, a “how to draw” book, and this one, a kids book about the periodic table.
I was so excited she wanted a science book!
Then, Day 2 of being read to out of the periodic table of the elements came and went.
So I did what any responsible and caring parent would do. I foisted her off on her little brother.
Lucy: Rowan, don’t interrupt me this time.
Rowan: I won’t.
Lucy: I hope not. Okay, “The Alkali Metals. Group 1. Lithium. Symbol: Li. Atomic number: 3 Standard state: Solid at 77 degrees F. The lightest of all the metals on the periodic…ROWAN!”
On Thanksgiving, we participated in a heavily competitive game of Apples to Apples.
- If you’ve never played, for each round, one person is the judge, who lays down a card with an adjective on it. Then each player lays down a card with a noun and the judge picks the one which fits the adjective the best. (Or is funniest. Whatever works.) If yours gets picked, you win that round!
- For example, if the card was “awkward”, you might lay down your “Helen Keller” card and win at life.
Joel: Okay, the word is “selfish”.
(Joel turns over the cards one by one. Based on crowd reaction, I assumed “mosquitoes” would have it. They are awfully selfish, as it happens. However, the final card to be turned over happened to be Lucy’s.)
Joel: And the last one is… lobster.
Lucy: Get it? Because they’re “shellfish”!
(Yeah, she won that round.)