Me: Lucy, will you go get a big spoon for the black beans?
Lucy: Sure! (Brings back the world’s smallest spoon. It might have been a baby spoon. Or a spoon for ants.)
Me: Wow, that is the smallest big spoon I’ve ever seen.
Lucy: (Uncomprehending stare)
Me: I asked you to get a big spoon.
Lucy: (Uncomprehending stare)
Joel: (Trying to put beans on his nachos) Oh, man! This is going to take forever!
Lucy: Well, maybe you don’t need that many beans, Dada.
Lucy watched the puberty video at school.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN.
(This is the short version of this conversation. You’re welcome.)
Me: So, how was the video? Did you learn anything?
Lucy: I guess. Except my brain ate an awkward taco.
Me: Yeah, I get that. What did they talk about?
Lucy: Well, the nurse came in to introduce the video and she pretty much told us what puberty was, so it was like we didn’t even need to watch the video after that.
Me: Did you have any questions?
Lucy: Well, I had a question, but I figured it wasn’t anything we were going to cover in the video. Or ever. So I didn’t ask.
Me: Do you want to ask me?
Lucy: Well… we were talking about ovaries? And how the ovary releases an egg, which can get fertilized? I just wondered… At what age would it be appropriate to have an egg fertilized?
(Oh, Lucy. You’re too smart for your own good. And the answer is, “As soon as you don’t feel like sleeping through the night ever again.”)
So, I think I came in on the middle of this conversation because I have no idea what led up to it.
Rowan: For no reason! For no reason! For no REEEEAAASON! For no reeaaaiiison! For no raaaiison! For no RAISIN! FOR NO RAISIN!
Joel: Why are you saying it like that?
Lucy: (NOT amused) For no raisin. Obviously.
Fast forward a week.
Me: Rowan, take your plate to the sink if you’re done.
Rowan: I can’t! I’m a old man! Uuuuuugggghhhhhh!!!
(Proceeds to stagger around as if his arms don’t work and his legs only just.)
Me: (trying not to laugh) I’m not sure which old man you’re emulating, but all the ones I know can take their plates to the sink.
Lucy: I can’t take my plate either! I’m an ooold laaayyydeeee! (with some sort of weird southern accent?)
(Lots of staggering and groaning, no taking plates to the sink.)
(I am laughing. Joel is not.)
Rowan: Join us, Dada! UUUUGHH I’M A OLD MAN!!
Lucy: Uuuhhhhhhggghhh, I’m an ooooold ladyyyyy! (flops) (Still with a southern accent)
Me: Yeah, Dada! (Old lady southern accent) Join us! But when ya get old! Ya get from the south! Fer no raisin!
Me: Uh oh, Lucy, looks like Pepper found your Barbie.
Lucy: Awwww! Dang it! She chewed her hand all up!
Me: Well, now, whose fault is that?
Lucy: Mine, but this was one of my favorites!
Me: I’m sorry that happened, kiddo. We have to make sure we keep our stuff picked up.
Lucy: (brightening) But hey! I could just pretend that she’s in the military and she got hurt and now she’s a wounded veteran!
Me: That’s a great idea!
Lucy: (whispers) She doesn’t like to talk about her hand though.
Lucy, my mom, and I went to A Novel Idea bookstore and Lucy got to pick out any three books she wanted. She selected a graphic novel, a “how to draw” book, and this one, a kids book about the periodic table.
I was so excited she wanted a science book!
Then, Day 2 of being read to out of the periodic table of the elements came and went.
So I did what any responsible and caring parent would do. I foisted her off on her little brother.
Lucy: Rowan, don’t interrupt me this time.
Rowan: I won’t.
Lucy: I hope not. Okay, “The Alkali Metals. Group 1. Lithium. Symbol: Li. Atomic number: 3 Standard state: Solid at 77 degrees F. The lightest of all the metals on the periodic…ROWAN!”