April 2, 2016: Batman vs. The Flash: The True Story

Rowan:  Mama, tell me a story.

Me: Ok, do you want a true story or a made-up story?

Rowan:  A true story.

Me: Ok, do you want to hear one about when Dada was a kid?

Rowan:  No.  I want to hear one about Batman versus The Flash.

The basically verbatim true story of Batman vs. The Flash is as follows:

So, Batman was running late, like usual, and he really needed to pick up his dry cleaning.  He absolutely could not launder the Batsuit in the washing machine at home, it would get all bunched up in the drum and crack the plastic, so he always sent it out to be cleaned.  But it was getting close to noon, and if he didn’t pick it up by noon, they were going to charge him for another day.

Sure, you’re saying to yourself, “But Batman is a millionaire, why would he care about getting charged for another day?” Well, the rich only get to stay rich if they pay attention to their finances and Batman was definitely paying attention to his finances at this point in his career.

Anyway, Batman was in need of a favor.  So he thumbed through his contacts under “F” (for Flash) until he got to The Flash’s number.  He had his phone number from the last time they had fought a bad guy together.

“Hey Barry, it’s, uh, it’s me, Bruce.  Listen, man, I need a favor.  See, I’m running late, and I need to pick up my drycleaning before noon or they’ll charge me for another day, so can you do me a solid and I’ll owe you one?” Batman asked.

“Ah come on, Bruce.  Seriously?” The Flash replied.

“Yes, seriously, man,” Batman insisted.

“Fine, but just this once, alright?  I can’t keep doing this.”

“Yes, good, fine.”

“Ok, where is it?”

Batman told The Flash the drycleaners address and hung up the phone.  “Score,” he said to himself.

So The Flash raced down to the drycleaners and, as luck would have it, made it there just before noon and was able to pick up the Batsuit without issue.

Rowan:  But then, on his way home, he was kidnapped.

Me: Ok, yes, fine, he was kidnapped on his way home.

“Dang it, Barry,” Batman said to himself, “where are you?  I needed that Batsuit.”

Because Batman didn’t know that The Flash had been kidnapped and he was starting to get annoyed that The Flash wasn’t dropping off his drycleaning.

“If you didn’t want to get the drycleaning, you could have just said so, BARRY. You don’t have to get all passive-agressive.  I could have gotten it, you know.  I just didn’t want to have to pay the extra money.  So I asked for a favor.  Jeeze, man, I thought we were friends.”

Batman was so annoyed, that he started a civil war among the superheros.
“You’re either with me, or you’re with that guy.  A guy who leaves his friends in the lurch.  A guy who can’t be trusted with something as simple as drycleaning.”

And so, Batman began to sway superheros to his side, because, of course, The Flash was still busy being kidnapped and couldn’t defend himself.  Unfortunately, the superheros were all busy being cajoled by Batman and so no one was available to rescue The Flash.

Eventually, Superman was the one who figured it out and convinced Batman that it was all just a misunderstanding and that The Flash was actually in dire straights and if Batman would just go and rescue him, then they’d be friends again.

“Ok, fine, but just this once, alright?  I can’t keep doing this,” Batman said.  “Where is it?”

So Superman gave Batman the address and Batman went and punched all the bad guys and rescued The Flash.

Rowan looks at me pointedly.

He rescues him just in time to go to The Flash’s birthday party, where they all had cake and The Flash opened his presents, and every single one was a new pair of shoes.

Rowan keeps looking at me pointedly.

The End.

Rowan:  That was a terrible story.

Me:  I love you, bud.  Sleep tight, I’ll see you in the morning.

Rowan: There’s no way I’m going to be able to sleep.

Me:  Well, try.  Goodnight!


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